We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
