If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Randomize