I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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