On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
