i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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