in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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