did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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