Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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