Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
