the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
