if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Sext me about skeletons
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
