whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize