She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
