in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
