I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The uberlube is also flammable
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize