You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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