There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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