I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
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