I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
