...so i touched it.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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