I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
