I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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