how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
