this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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