In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
