i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
