my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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