Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
