i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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