gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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