u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
