i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
