if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
