you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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