i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize