I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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