The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Randomize
