CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
