I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
