i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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