You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
