clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
