Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
