Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
