One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
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