i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
