It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
