I just pynch a tree in the face
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
