my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
