Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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