how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
