Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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