why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
