I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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