I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
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