One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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