so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
