I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
