I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
