I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
