One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize