remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize