I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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