meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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