Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
