i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
These tits shall not be calmed
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
