sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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