the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
