question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
