No awkward lesbian experiences without me
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize