her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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