you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
